Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
You Might Also Like
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Hard not to take this personally
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look