Nobody ever collects famous first words.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.