you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
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“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
yes… yes…
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate