This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
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This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.