Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
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Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
My biological clock is wheezing.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.