Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
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Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.