[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
You Might Also Like
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Thursday
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.