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me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab