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Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Muppet Screams
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.