DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
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Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Meow
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Tremendous stuff
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?