WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
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I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
*skinny dips into black hole
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Finally a use for spoilers…
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me