I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
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[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗