Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
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lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.