[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
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me: goodnight moon 馃檪
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 馃檪
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 馃檪
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Recipe comment: I didn鈥檛 use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Me: I鈥檓 feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it鈥檚 because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn鈥檛 put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it鈥檚 National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
It鈥檚 called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn鈥檛 respect you.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Iron: you鈥檙e always trying to turn me into something I鈥檓 not!
Blacksmith:
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Hot hot hot 馃サ
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Investing in beetcoin
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea