Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
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Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.