Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
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omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
We avoided this particular disaster
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
what’s the point then??
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*