ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
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A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look