Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
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Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.