“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
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[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.