Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
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*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”