Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
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We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
constantly working on myself.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids