[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
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Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
I’m too immature for adultery.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife