Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
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Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
the prophecies have been fulfilled
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there