Is this you?
You Might Also Like
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Human are so complicated
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing