Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
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My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
there’s probably a fee though
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?