Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
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To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.