I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
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If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit