What even happened today?
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Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
why no one uses midhusbands
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
*frowns in Scottish*
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”