FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
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This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
when mom throws a party…
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!