*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
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Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
The two types of wives
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Wait for it
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.