Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
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[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Is this you?
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure