I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
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I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Eat…
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey