Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
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How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real