my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
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Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.