“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
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a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.