My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
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Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”