I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
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My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there