Wedding planning is organized crime.
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If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.