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What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Wait for it
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.