At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
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I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Need this in my life lol
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it