Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
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Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Hello Twits.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning