Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
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I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Woke up against my better judgement again
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.