Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
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My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.