I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
You Might Also Like
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Mistakes were made
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
😲 WTF? 😆
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain