Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
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Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again