Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
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STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Yes, but it was never about money
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends