What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
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*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I feel seen.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.