Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
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WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.