[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
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I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I am, perchance
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
mood
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
the best thing i’ve ever made
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.