Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
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Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
The Compass
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
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[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it